It seemed natural as the 19th day of each month rolled around to put down some thoughts about the death of my husband and the ongoing effects. I didn’t have a plan, it just seemed to evolve and here it is tomorrow, seven months later. I know many memories will remain; not only the good but the painful as well and new ones will surface; some will fade with age and time. So I’ll share a few last thoughts today and I’ll keep the memories close in my heart.
I was thinking of all the events and how the Lord orchestrated them and how truly thankful I am when I recall those last few days. How I was at home for lunch when his stroke started and so I was here to call 911 and how relieved he was to be headed for the hospital instead of the nursing home. That was his greatest fear, knowing that if he couldn’t walk I wouldn’t be able to care for him at home. He never had to suffer that agony of heart and mind and I’m so thankful.
I’m thankful that we spent time in preparation for the event of death. So many think it is ghoulish to talk of those things and make plans ahead but death is eminent for us and to be prepared in some ways is such a blessing as we can’t truly be prepared for the reality of losing a loved one. I knew what he wanted and he trusted me fully with making the medical decisions because he had witnessed for 38 years the abilities the Lord had given me to care for him. He often praised me but I always turned the praise to the Lord, who alone is in control of all things. I thanked Him continually for equipping me for such a task.
I’m thankful I had time to soothe his brow once again in the hospital emergency room; I lost count of how many times I’ve done that. I’m thankful I could hold his hand and give him a bit of loving comfort while he lay there; he was always comforted by my presence. I’d always tell him, now just close your eyes and rest for a minute and he always did. I’m so thankful the Lord gave me the strength to take charge in tough situations like that because at heart I am truly a weakling. I’m thankful I saw him to his room and sat with him for awhile, told him I loved him and kissed him goodbye. I remember his smile from the doorway of his room as I left to go home because that was the last, so thank you Lord for that picture in my mind. I’m thankful that I knew he didn’t want ventilator life support because that is what came the next morning and although it was tough, I was confident in my answer. I’m so very thankful the nurse later told me the results of the MRI and that he would have never recovered from the brain stem stroke that he had even with a ventilator.
I’m especially thankful that I was there when he took his last breath which was God’s tending mercy to me because He knows me. Life has great joy in it and great sorrow and the Lord brings us measures of each throughout this journey. Oh but we can trust Him to use each and everything to work for our good and so I’ll leave off where I started; missing him and knowing that:
“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven” Ecc 3:1
Thank you Lord!
Grace and Peace!