The robins are here, the doves are cooing and it will be four months tomorrow since my husband died. Here it is spring already. I have always heard that going through each event for the first time after a death is difficult, I can attest to that as a truth. I think partly because each new event brings back a memory or many memories; in this case even a returning season.
This time of the year he would remind me that it was time to have our lawn mower serviced; you know, an oil change, sharpen the blades, etc. He would ask me the remainder of the mowing season…..did you check the oil honey and here I’ve already started the mower once and totally spaced checking the oil! He knew how I would forget that. He was also the one to water (which in our case only involves turning on the underground sprinkler system), but he was home to do that and could chose a time when the wind wasn’t blowing. Well, you know how often that has been this spring….rarely! So it is that I have these new things to think on and to do and I just hope I remember them all.
I’m learning to live a different daily life with lots of changes and I’m the worlds worst with change, so establishing a new routine comes hard. Sometimes I hit a rough spot in the journey, this week I have been blue, really blue. It has been a keen awareness of the 38 years along with the penetrating sorrow that remains and a great longing this week to hold his hand, we did that a lot.
I’ve had to learn that because I get up every morning, because I look the same as I always have, (maybe a few more gray hairs and some emotional eating pounds), because I still smile and I still laugh and because I continue to go about my day most people think I’m through with the grief. I guess that is normal when we base so much on what we can see with our own eyes. There are the few who are close who know differently of course, I’m very thankful for them and their understanding and their prayers.
One of those friends who is close is coming over to my house for bible study on Friday night and that is a nice change for me. We will share the riches of the Gospel together and I’m looking forward to the good fellowship in Christ who has blessed us both with all spiritual blessings in Him. Thank you Lord that you always give blessing amongst the grief and difficulties of this fleeting life. They are always there; often we only need to look with a single eye and it will be clear!
Keeping my eye upon Him for He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) Everything around us might change, even in a moment, but what a truth for us to know that He will never change.
Grace and Peace!
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